Starting A Memory

Our Little Bean. Your heart stopped beating 8 weeks 5 days. You finally left us at 12 weeks 3 days. Thank you for letting me be your mummy if only for a short time. We will always love you. You will always be our first baby. I promise to look after Daddy for you. See you again in heaven. Until then I will look at our new rose bush where we buried you. Sweet Dreams Our Little Bean. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Saying Goodbye to My Little Bean

Hi all, so I've been away for a while.  I was busy with my new sideline business and full time working and then I found myself pregnant.  And then, well, I was sick and tired and lethargic and overwhelmed and adjusting.  Then, last week, things went very wrong and we lost the baby.  Posting on here is part of my healing.  I want to share my story.

I had some clues things maybe weren't right at 9 weeks - nausea subsided, breasts stopped being sore and huge, and I was feeling more energetic. I was worried, but decided to keep positive until I knew any different. People had also told me I was being paranoid and looking back, even if I had followed my instincts, it wouldn't have changed anything.

Anyway at 11 weeks, last Monday morning, I started spotting. I was alarmed and rang the midwife. I had to leave a message. Then I decided to stay calm, pray and just get on with my day. That afternoon, and then evening, I had more spotting, my midwife rang me back. She wasn't too worried and said to take the next day off, rest and see what happens. I was hopeful and positive. In the morning, more spotting and I felt like I was getting my period. I rang the midwife and she booked me in for a scan.

At the scan, we were feeling really nervous but still a glimmer of hope remained. After a tummy scan, we could only see a pregnancy sac and I was praised for my full bladder, however, it was getting in the way of my uterus. I had to empty my bladder and then have an internal scan. Straight away we saw the baby. I'll never forget that moment. It was a complete surge of love, mixed with the certainty that our sweet little bean wasn't moving. Such a strange, wonderful and tragic feeling. I was filled with love for this tiny thing even though I knew I would never get to meet them, to hug them, to call them by name. After a few measurements, the radiologist asked us if we were sure of our dates. We were and she said the baby measured 8+5 weeks. She turned on the colour to see any small movements. Nothing but black and white. I said, "Oh I can't see a heart beat". I couldn't believe how calm I sounded. She said, "I'm sorry, I can't either". She left to get a doctor to confirm.

I lay on the bed and burst into tears. I sobbed with Kev by my side, holding my arm. The doctor came in and confirmed everything. He was professional and very routine. I wiped my tears and nodded. After calling my midwife, the doctor said we were to go home and she would take care of the rest and call me. They were great at the radiology clinic. They let us stay in the room as long as we needed and then when we were ready, they said we could go straight out and they would sort everything at the desk for me. (I had my 12 week scan booked for the next week and obviously wouldn't need it anymore).

It has been a long, very drawn out process involving horrible decisions, lots of tears, pain, questions and such an empty feeling. Kev and my midwife have been amazingly supportive. I thought my midwife would be off as soon as there was no live baby but she has been there for me throughout.

Tomorrow, I go into hospital for medical management. Even though I know it's painful and drawn out, I couldn't do a D&C. I didn't want to risk any damage to my uterus for future pregnancies (this was my first baby and I know the risks are small but I couldn't take any more chances). I don't know where I am at anymore. I just feel empty and sad and nothing - all quite normal, I know.  And I will be okay.

If you are the praying kind, please pray that tomorrow goes well and is successful so I can have some closure, and say goodbye properly.  Sweet dreams Little Bean.


Today for me looked something like this;

  • I awoke at a decent hour which was such a relief.  Waking and already starting to think at 5am was becoming a bit of a drag.  Later when I thought about my lovely wake time I wondered: could it in fact be the amount of wine I drank last night and not that my mind and body was calmer?...oh well.
  • Travis Junction Life Centre is the place I have chosen to worship.  It is small, community based and the people are so real and so friendly.  It's not trendy, fashionable or flashy, just really down to earth, comfortable, spirit-filled and I feel like I belong.'s been a long search.
  • After some of my delicious leftover risotto (made for the very first time last night because I have never really liked risotto - flavourless and stodgy - this one was not either of those things and I am so proud of myself!), and a little moe, Kev and I took a drive to the city centre.
  • We walked and familiarised ourselves with a 'new normal' CBD that is totally unrecognisable - so unrecognisable that I got quite disorientated and lost.  I felt a mixture of emotions throughout the afternoon - grief, frustration, disappointment, amazement, confusion, resignation, relief, peace, and hope.  Not always in that order and definitely some were revisited more than others.  Madras Street was opened this weekend, which is where the tragic CTV building was.  We stopped for awhile at the perimeter and...well, nothing, just stopped, stood, looked, and thought about those who lost their lives here and those they left behind.
  • As the sun sets, I am again grateful for an affordable house that we can live in without fear of horrendous rent increases, or owners wanting to move back in.  I am mindful, and grateful that, for this season, Kev and I are able to have days like these because we don't have children yet and can just please ourselves.  I am grateful that Kev and I spent some time together in the sun.  And I am very grateful that I have a God that knows the bigger picture and I can put my fears, worries and questions into His hands, and know that He holds me too.  

How was your Sunday?

Right Now...

Hey Everyone,  it's been a while.  I must admit I have lost my blogging mojo and would love to find it again, so thought I could possibly kick start it with something easy but effective.  

Idea taken from the lovely Anya.

right now i am.....
watching:  the dog trying to find someone to play with.

drinking:  post work-out water

wearing:  oh workout clothes from this morning...a bit stinky!

eating:  feijoas - L.O.V.E.

listening:  to my husband bopping a beat while he studies (I think it helps him focus)

avoiding: cleaning up my messy house...doing my school work that desperately needs 
doing...deciding what to have for lunch...having a shower (all of it means I'd have to move off the couch)

wishing:  I had already had a shower and that the weekends didn't go so fast.

feeling:  overwhelmed, yet trying not to be overwhelmed by replacing it with calm, all the while feeling guilty for not having started, and feeling like I should be more overwhelmed than I am!

missing: good friends who are far away.

thankful:  for living in a house that is affordable.

craving: time to slow down.

wondering: how I will be able to pull off everything I have going on?!

praying:  for my friend Weza's little boy Rico who sounded so sick this morning. 

needing: a housekeeper.

thinking:  about how to promote my business.

dreaming:  about the future.

loving: the now.

The Wrath of The Possum!

Have I ever told you about what an adventure it is making the bed in our house?

Since possum has been with us, making the bed each week is so much fun.

As soon as the sheets are pulled off the bed, wherever Possum is, he comes running...and then it begins...

With the smoothing of the mattress protector, he is there, scoping the perimeter, checking for imposters...

The sheet goes on and Possum lays in wait for the roving hands smoothing down and tucking in the never know what dangers lie ahead in those hands!
 Clawing his way upside down usually fixes the problem and those hands disappear quick smart! 
  Stage 2 complete! Possum emerges and waits on top of the sheet for the duvet installation.

The duvet needs close examination for bed bugs that pose a threat to his or his owners comfort at night.  Pieces of the duvet are sampled to ensure no enemies are present.

 Stage 3 complete!
 Lastly, the top quilt is applied.  Possum inspects for hospital corners and to ensure both sides are even by running from side to side, corner to corner, until he is satisfied there will be no marital disagreements over the placement of the blankets.

 Phew!  Mission complete for another week.

Things I'm Lovin'

WARNING: This post contains one medically explicit photo.  Please do not view if you get squeamish at body parts not attached to the body!  (Okay it's just a toe nail but it's still a bit gross)

This week I am so thankful for:
This awesome invention called the "Total Pillow" - I have finally bought something off the television infomercials!  It is amazing!  In this shape it can be a back support and I reckon it would also be great if you had piles or had just had a baby...

In this shape it's a neck support or a between the knees support when lying on your side.

This one is for front support when lying on your tummy reading.  I also use it like this for a napping pillow.

Or simply twist for a lumbar's magic!

Also loving and very grateful for these...

while recovering after doing...
this!  Yes I managed to whip this baby right off with a door while at work today.  Several hours later, after a docs visit, I am feeling very sore and also a bit brave.
Very much looking forward to meeting all these characters.  I have heard so much about the series and my good friend Rebecca has lent me the first two seasons for some winter entertainment this year.

Finally I am most definitely loving these new trainers!  Bought on Amazon for 60% off and arrived in under a week.  Love, love, love.
Have a fantastic weekend everyone.  I think I might have to start that series early while I convalesce.  Anyone wanna join?

Linking in with Paisley Jade.

Never Too Old To Learn Something New

Disclaimer:  Sorry no pics - I am in the middle of moving and using a camera is in the too hard basket this week.  Cheers.

Not that I'm THAT old, but I have been learning lots about Blogger, thanks to my friend Weza.  I have learned how to join linkies, allowing me to join in with Paisley Jades "Things I'm Loving" link.  I have also FINALLY changed to the new Blogger interface, which is so cool and much more easier to use.  Thanks Weza!

So the thing I love the most is checking out the stats and seeing who is reading my blog.  This month I have had visits from people in Latvia - "Sveiki", Turkey - "Selam", Russia - "Здравствуйте (Zdravstvujte)", Germany - "Guten Tag", Australia - "Gidday", America - "Howdy y'all" (I know you don't all speak like that!) and New Zealand - "Wassup".  It blows me away that I can have a connection with people from all over the world at the click of a button.  It is really so exciting, especially for a traveler like me.  So, paldies, teşekkürler, Спасибо (Spasiba), ta mate, thank you, and chur to you all.

Things I'm Loving

So much to be thankful for...
Chicken drumsticks marinated in coconut flavoured evaporated milk and Tikka Masala Curry Paste, then grilled on the barbie.  Mmmmm adds something special to a standard meal.

Finishing my holiday jigsaw - Wasjig.  I call it the 'Nek Minnut' jigsaw.  Naughty Jimmy not eating his brussel sprouts!

Nek Minnut...all chaos breaks loose!  Now Jimmy has decided brussel sprouts aren't too bad!

Banana strong and sturdy for house moving!
And finally...this guy.  His favourite thing to do during the day is look out the window at the birds and make little mewing noises while his tail twitches.  Soooooo cute!
Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

Linking in with Paisley Jade.
Check out what she and heaps of others are loving!

A Bit of Blah

In cruise mode here in sunny Christchurch.  Normally I would be away camping or such but Kevvy is doing a summer course and so we are here.  I could go away on my own but I miss him too much!  "Awwww" I hear you all say!  So instead I have been pottering at home and catching up with friends.  It has been so nice to not be tied to routine.

My good friend Rebecca and me cafeing it up.

Loved this cushion at the cafe - especially taken for Paisley Jade!

My pantry purge has gone well.  Check it out!


I loved the challenge of getting creative and adapting recipes to suit what I have on hand.  Tonight's meal is chicken drumsticks marinated in Coconut Evaporated Milk and Tikka Masala paste.  I might do a post on it if I can be bothered taking photos later.

I have a new haircut with a really thick fringe and I am having so much fun with it.  I was imagining a 'rock chick' style (think Chrissy Heines), cos I am secretly a bit of a rock chick on the inside.  But actually I have renamed my fringe style the vintage fringe because I have noticed several bloggers of vintage blogs with the same fringe.  Kev reckons I look like Zooey Deschanel.

 Can't see it myself but I'll accept his view on this one!

Anyway, check out my new style. 
The Rock Chick Look

I have been having fun trying new styles and I wanted to share this one.  I call it the 'birds nest'.  I felt quite pretty and summery with this style.  I love the variety of styles I can have.

I bought some Croc jandels on sale and I tell you, it's like walking on clouds!  But I have to admit, I'm a Crocs snob - never thought I'd ever own a pair - and wanted a bit more or a stylish look so I just added some bling over the labels and...ta dah!

 Lastly, I love doing a jigsaw in the holidays.  It's a great way to relax and can actually be quite social.  Most people can't resist sitting together to put a few pieces in.  I was hankering for a good jigsaw but hadn't found one I liked.  Amazingly someone was reading my mind and I got this Wasjig for a late Christmas present!

This is the scene and we have to make up the picture of what happens next.  Little Jimmy refuses to eat his brussel sprouts - don't know why, brussel sprouts are delicious!  He throws his veges around, and one sprout lands under a waitress' foot.  I call it the 'Nek Minnut' jigsaw.

Nek Minnut so far...This is what we have achieved with a few friends over a few glasses of wine and some good music.

 I must remember to show you the finished product.  I don't know why the female characters in Wasjigs always have to have big breasts.  It brings back a funny memory of a time when Weza and I flatted together and were working on a Wasjig which we eventually aborted because it was just so jolly rude, we couldn't carry on!  Especially with Weza's then 10 year old son floating around *suddenly feeling really old cos he turns 21 soon*!  Do you remember Weza?

Well after finishing this long post, I have some questions for you all:

What do you like to do to relax in the holidays?
Are you a Crocs snob, or Crocs lover?
What are you having for dinner tonight?
What is a hairstyle you would love to have that brings out the inner you?


Pantry Purge Day 3

I have an unbelievably large amount of cans of creme of chicken soup.  Hmmmm....maybe they were on special?  A 2 for 1 deal?  I have the best recipe to use these up!

Curried Chicken Broccoli Bake

3C cooked chicken (great for leftover chicken from that roast)
180g cooked broccoli
420g can creme of chicken soup
2tsp curry powder
2Tblsp lemon juice
1/2C mayonnaise
3/4C grated cheese
1/2C breadcrumbs

Spread chicken and broccoli in a casserole dish.
Combine soup, curry powder, lemon juice, and mayo in a saucepan and bring to the boil.  If you need more sauce you can add milk.
Pour sauce over chicken and broccoli.
Combine cheese and breadcrumbs and sprinkle over the top.
Bake uncovered in a moderate oven for about 10-15mins until cheese is melted and topping is golden brown.  Mmmm...this is sooooo delicious!  I great meal to have when people come for tea.  The lemon juice just makes it!  Serve with rice and steamed green beans.

Pantry Purge Day 2

Well, not exactly a pantry purge, more like using what I have at hand to take to a barbeque instead of going out and buy something.  Have I got flour? Check!  Have I got yeast? Check!  Have I got a small bit of cheese? Check!  Have I got butter? Check!  I can make the best ever bread that will make people go oooh aaaah!  I have made this bread heaps of times before and it is all kinds of deliciousness.  I originally got it from Sima J, and in her words, "Oh me, oh my!"

Cheesy Garlic Bread
300ml warm water
1 Tbsp dry yeast
2 Tbsp olive oil
1 Tbsp honey
3 ½ cups white flour
1 tsp salt
25g soft butter
2 cloves garlic or 2 tsp minced garlic
100g cheddar cheese, grated
Thyme leaves
Rock salt (optional)
Put warm water, yeast, oil and honey into a jug stir just to make all wet then leave to sit for 5-10mins till frothy.
Mix flour and salt together in a bowl. Make a well and pour in the wet mixture and mix till all combined. Knead for 5mins.
Stretch dough to fit a Swiss Roll tin or rectangular glass dish lined with cooking paper.
Mix garlic and butter dotting over the top of the dough. Sprinkle the thyme leaves and the cheese and rock salt.
Lightly cover the bread with cling film and leave to rise for about 2 hours.
Bake in oven at about 180-200C for 30mins.
Cheese can dribble over edge.


New Years Pantry Purge

After last nights rocky night I was rethinking my plans for a pantry purge to start the new year...but then I remembered the 3 boxes of food supplies in the garage.  Phew!  And so on I go.  Kev and I are looking to eradicate the last of our debt this year.  I think we are doing pretty well on one income but we would like to be completely debt free and this year we have set ourselves that target.  When I think about the amount I spend on food, I am amazed at the things I buy 'just in case', to ensure the pantry is fully stocked.  We are moving house in a couple of weeks so what better time to empty out the pantry than now?  The challenge: to buy as little as possible over the next two weeks and use what we have.  And I reckon I'll be surprised.

So, Day 1: I combined a couple of recipes I have read lately and made a Morrocan Chickpea Tomato dish - I haven't got a name for it but any suggestions are welcome!  I had all these things in the pantry except for the morrocan spice (hard to believe as I do have a HUGE range of spices).  Now, normally I would head down to the supermarket and buy this.  Instead, I got on the internet and found a recipe for making your own Moroccan Spice, which you can find here.  And it was delicious!

Morrocan Chickpea Tomato Thingy
2C diced roasted kumara
1 large onion, diced
1 tsp garlic
2tsp moroccan spice
1 can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1 can diced or whole tomatoes
1C chicken stock (I use the powder and water kind, but any will do)

Dice kumara, drizzle with oil and roast in oven while preparing the rest.
Cook onion and garlic until soft.  Add spice mix and saute for 2 mins.  Add chickpeas, tomatoes and chicken stock.  Simmer for 15mins.  Take out kumara and stir through chickpea mixture.

Serve in bowls with plain yoghurt, chopped coriander, and warm turkish flat bread (leftover from last nights BBQ).  I was going to add spinach or silverbeet but my garden has gone to seed.  A salad might go well with this too.  I have also added cooked chicken before - yum!
So, what would you entitle this dish?