Being the Mama I Want to Be

WARNING: This post has all sorts of heavy heaviness going on!

So I have really been enjoying getting back into blogging...but I feel limited by what I can post about.  I try to keep things light and positive, I try to focus on the good but this is not my heart at present.  My heart has a massive ache, my soul is shouting, wanting to be heard, and I have yet to find a suitable outlet.  I don't want to be a downer, but I also want to be true to myself, and true to my world, and true to my babies.  How do I do that without bringing my fellow bloggers down big time?  I see so many sharing their hearts, and I long to do that too.  I'll share my heart anyway and see how it goes...

And I do stay positive most of the time, I do try and turn things for good and I know, ultimately, my God has it, He has all of it.  He has me in the palm of His hand and will turn all my sorrow into joy, exchanging beauty for ashes.  I know, I know, I know.  And I believe.

But sometimes, that worry creeps in, 'maybe motherhood is not for me, maybe it has passed me by?'.

I read all your posts about motherhood and I know I want that too.  I go to craft markets and fabric stores and find myself looking at all the displays for children's rooms, ooohing and aaahing and planning what I would choose if it was a girl...if it was a little boy...I drive past baby stores and think, 'one day I will go in there...'  There are newborn babies all around me and pregnant ladies everywhere I go...I watch wistfully and think of the day that will be me.

Lately I have been experiencing a lot of grief over friendships, feeling neglected and uncared for as they all go on with their lives, and of course they should.  The feeling I most identify with is wanting my loss to be acknowledged, wanting my grief to be understood and validated, my ache to be seen, a hug to be given, a hand on my arm...just the little things.

I am worried about Mother's Day.  How will I feel on the day?  Will anyone acknowledge that I am a Mum too?  Do they need to?  Do I need them to?  If my first baby had gone full term, I would be holding a 2 month old baby in my arms.  I would be seen as a Mum.  I believe I am a Mum but it is not seen.  If my second baby had kept growing, I would be 4 months by now.  We would be telling people and looking forward to an October baby.  I would be seen as a Mum, but it wasn't to be so.

These experiences have taught me so much, and I am grateful for that, I am grateful for the journey.  I am grateful that I can help support other grieving mums.  Recently I have been learning that when you are in need, giving is the best thing you can do.  I won't stop doing these things, but right now I do it with a heart that has a massive ache and a soul longing to be heard...

5QF First Timer

Trying out a new linky...It's called 5 Questions Friday (5QF).

If you want to join, head over to Mama M. and follow the instructions.

1. Who drives when your family is together, you or your spouse?
It depends who feels like it. If DH is tired or still getting dressed, I drive. If I want DH to take charge, or if DH wants to feel like the boss, he drives. If either of us is drinking, the other drives. Usually it's me doing the driving...But actually, I am a terrible, aggressive Christchurch driver so I don't know why DH takes his life in his hands as much as he does... 

2. Are you an introvert or extrovert?

Bit of both, dependent on what else is going on in my life at the time.  I love socialising, but if I am stressed, or tired, I really just need to be by myself.

3. Are you married to an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert definitely! DH's favourite place to be is in his study by matter who is around!

4. What's your favorite type of social media?

Facebook is my main one but I am getting more into blogging now instead. I don't really participate in many social networking sites...a bit too much for my small brain to handle.

5. What's your favorite way to "recharge"?

Watching a good movie, reading or taking a break away...And I may or may not watch trashy television just a little too much...

Tallpipi linking in with Mama M. 

Wellington Lovin'

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful matter how simple it is.

Sunday Wharf Markets
Amazing Colour
I absolutely LOVE Wellington and it's such a treat to be able to pop up for an adventure.

The mission: to meet up with a couple of the funniest and craziest ladies I had the pleasure of being friends with when living in Whangarei. Now all living apart, we got together in Wellington to do some of our favourite things.

♥Sunday wharf markets - so much fresh produce - a delight for all the senses.
♥Bordeaux Cafe - another delight for all the senses!
♥Porirua - art gallery.
♥Plimmerton - op shopping, cafes, & walks on the beach.
♥Petone - amazing ecclectic mix of boutique shops and a foodies heaven! I now have the most amazing smelling chipotle smoked chillies in my pantry. Can't wait to use them!
♥Te Papa - Nga Toi Section - TANTILISING for the eyes and mind.
♥Walks at Oriental Bay.
♥Martha's Pantry for a delightful tea party - such fun!
♥Giggles, in house jokes, and memory makers with two fantastic chics!

Tantilising sights at Bordeaux Cafe
So much choice!
My first go at crochet - at least it fits something!
How long do you think this blanket took to make?  At the Porirua Art Gallery.
Cool art idea - string art on the carpet.  At Te Papa Museum.
Tea toting at Martha's Pantry.
LOVE! Till we meet again Wellington...

Linking in with the lovely Meghan.

Things I Am Loving

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful matter how simple it is.

What a week! FINALLY the holidays are upon us. I have only just had a couple of weeks off due to the loss of my second pregnancy. But I couldn't have been more grateful than I was yesterday to finally shut the door on what has been a very long term. I celebrated after school by going out for a few drinkies with work mates where the theme of the afternoon was saying, "Woohoo!" and clinking glasses whenever anyone came back with a full glass (what mad woman would come up with that idea?). It was one way to really get everyone laughing and get that stress leaving! Then last night my wonderful husband planned a dinner out with a couple of friends. While I didn't want to leave the previous celebrations, I was grateful I did. We had such a great time.

Woohoo with a Woo Woo!
What else am I loving?
Our Farewell Party for 3 lovelies.  Bunting made by me - an ex-bunting-hater
Flowers for real and retro flowers on new fleecy jammies
Meeting up with these lovely ladies (some for the first time and others meeting again) - Pic courtesy of Paisley Jade
Rain for a desperate, dry garden.

The last blooms on my first baby's rose bush.
Creating beautiful spaces in my home (table undergoing re-modelling soon!)
Latest Trade Me finds.
So, so much to love! Linking in with the lovely Meghan.

Confessions of a Bunting Hater

*Please excuse my photo placement. They're doing something silly and I haven't worked out how to fix it yet!

So, on the weekend at the Around the Table Bloggers Conference, I declared very quietly to my friend Gail that I hated bunting. Within the space of one 'Johnny Special' filled night, everyone knew! And all I can say is Johnny should have done Pinas! Now, there are many, many reasons I hate bunting - none of which I will go into here, except to say that I just find it a bit twee. I mean, what's wrong with some balloons and a few streamers?

However, I may have to eat my words a little bit and disappoint my friend Gail and possibly Widge too (sorry girls). And it all came about today as I made preparations for three of our little darlings to be farewelled at a class picnic tomorrow. Thinking I would do something special, banners with their names didn't cut it in the wind, and a good reason for bunting was born unto me...

I love a good creative project, but hate anything fiddly or time consuming - I'm talking nothing more than an hour or two at most. I have been known to whip up a couple of skirts in one 2 hour sitting...I know! So, straight to you comes my evening project: The Lazy Crafter's Guide to Hassle-Free Bunting.

1. First you will need these things:
Scissors, twine, felt sheets, foam stick on letters.
I got the felt sheets from a $2 variety shop, and the foam letters from The Warehouse - great deal at the moment on Little Hands Craft Supplies - buy two, get a third free.

2. Cut into bunting shape and use the first one as a pattern to cut the others to uniform shape.

3. Arrange the letters on the bunting, contrasting colours to suit.

4. Glue twine on the backs with a hot glue gun, ensuring you space them apart the desired distances.

5. Realise you've glued them on back to front and proceed to snip off the twine on either side of each bunt (is that even a word?). Then tie lengths of twine in between each bunt, with the letters in the right order this time. Attach more twine on each end - enough to tie and stretch across whatever it is you're tying it to.

6. And there you have it! Pretty attractive if I do say so myself, and relatively quick (even with my dyslexic moment). I think I might even do it again sometime now I've worked it all out. Please, don't think I've gone totally crafty or anything, no need to panic! But I think you are looking at a semi-reformed bunting hater to say the least!

I'll post a pic tomorrow when they're up. Excites!

Playing Pick-Up Sticks in the Pantry

This is what I came home to today.

Oh dear. Sigh

"So, what did you do?"

Going on a date with DH after a huge weekend hanging out with some of the most amazing, inspiring and creative women I have ever met, and he asks, "So what did you actually do?" to answer that? I think my new friend Sammy said it pretty well..."It was like a big blanket- warm, inviting and inclusive. I arrived emotionally empty and left emotionally full."

It's been such a tough few months for me and I really was unsure how I would cope in a big group, meeting new people etc etc. But there was totally nothing to worry about and, yes, I did come away filled to the brim.

So, what did we do? We learned, we loved, we laughed, we inspired, we hugged, we shared, we listened, we snapped a gazillion pics, we ate, we drank, we gave, we cried, we created, we connected.

I can't remember the last time I felt so loved upon. I can't quite believe that, although many of us had never met each other before, it felt like old friends meeting up again. I can't now imagine my life without these awesome ladies in it. I can't help but be inspired and moved by each woman I met, hearing their journey's, sharing experiences.

We came together for a shared experience of blogging and left with a huge appreciation of how blogging allows us to connect and be real with each other, and ourselves. Women's stories accepted for what they are, comments like "yeah, I know how you feel", and "I've been there" help a heart to heal, a vessel to fill, a realisation that we are not alone, no-one is 'normal', and a hope that there is a light, things do get better.

There are so so many ladies to thank and acknowledge and they know who they are, but for me it was also about the collective. That collective group that made it such a worthwhile weekend to give time to. Kudos to you all, ladies, and Auckland...BRING IT!

A Little Poem

I found this little poem today and it really puts into words how I feel about acknowledging my babies.

The world may never notice if a snowdrop doesn't bloom, or even pause to wonder if the petals fall to soon. But every life that ever forms, or ever comes to be, touches the world in some small way for all eternity. The little one we long for was swiftly here and gone, but the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on. And though our arms are empty, our hearts know what to do, every beating of our hearts says that we do love you.

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Nice aye?

On A Break

I've had to take a break. I've produced another angel baby. I am sad. I am tired. I never thought it would be this hard. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers