Transitions - 17 week update

I'm not very skilled at taking selfie bump pics, but here I am at 16 weeks.  At least it made me clean the mirror!
This was taken for my friend Weza (whom most of you in blogland will know).  I was trying to figure out if this was baby or flab.  She says baby.  I'm still on the fence.  BUT, I have only put on 300grams in this whole pregnancy, so I am thinking possibly not flab.  Morning sickness put paid to any weight gain.  Although I never threw up, I was a very fussy/picky eater, never being able to decide what to eat.

This week baby's bones are hardening.  I am craving yoghurt, cheese, cheese and cheese, spinach, fish, and eggs.  Aren't bodies just magical things the way they just know what to do?

I am very aware of a transition taking place.  I am totally struggling with it in some ways, and embracing it in other ways.  In the first trimester, my motivation was totally lacking.  Feeling sick and tired all the time will do that to a girl!  Often, meals were easy and not always the best nutrition, housework was left, clothes remained unfolded in piles around the house, bed was unmade, dirty clothes in corners awaiting the washing machine.  Hubby took on more around the house but with his final exams coming up, a lot of things were left undone.  Work took a dive for me.  I did the basics and no more.  I feel like I really failed in my leadership roles, as I had less focus and drive than I used to.  And I just felt, well, sort of uninterested.  Where had my ambition gone?

Now in the second trimester, I have a bit more energy, although still needing naps, and yet, my priorities have changed.  I still lack ambition and professional drive, but find myself wanting to get unfinished projects done around the house.  Sewing, knitting, making, creating, and painting all those pieces of furniture I have been meaning to revamp, seem to be in my immediate thoughts.  And I will do them.  This week.

I can only surmise that something chemical is going on in my brain.  My priorities have changed, the things I used to value have taken a back seat and I feel like everything has been put into slow motion.  I keep thinking it will change back to 'normal' soon, but as I continue in this pregnancy, I start to wonder if there is a new 'normal' being shaped.  One that includes room for a baby.  So maybe this is all a good thing.

You know what I mean?

Emerging From the Fog

Well, that's what it feels like. But I must say, I am not sure I am completely out of the fog yet. So much has been happening over the last few months. I have been absent for a very good reason. I have been making one of these:

No it's not an alien, or a shriveled up jelly bean! Here is a more traditional pic:

For those of you who know my history, I had to take some time out during my first trimester to concentrate on being positive and not going crazy! I have been sick, tired, bloated, tired, teary, tired, scared, tired, in awe, and did I mention tired? Although, I wouldn't have traded any of it for the world!

Now, in my second trimester, currently growing my baby's ear bones, I have a little more energy, I'm not always sick, and I find myself having room in my foggy brain for something other than getting through the first trimester.

So, hello to you all in blogland again! I will be in touch again very soon, but for now, my battery is about to die. Speak soon. Ta ta!

Bullet Point Life

The weeks have zoomed by and I find it really hard to keep up the blogging bizzo during term time, so, be prepared for a deluge over the next couple of weeks!

In the name of fertility and trying to help my body keep hold of a little growing bean, I am making a few adjustments to my diet.  I saw a naturopath specialising in fertility and she has given me some things to help my body prepare a healthy lining.  She also suggested I look into cutting out grains from my diet, and directed me to this fabulous website - The Petite Kitchen.  Today I have tried these yummy little morsels. 

Prune, chocolate and pistachio truffles.
And they really are quite delicious.  Go here for the recipe.  I did find I had to add another 1/4 Cup of prunes to make everything combine.  I can't wait to try some of the other yummy things on there.

I am hoping to get a bit of R&R over the break, but not before this weekend, when I will be celebrating my 40th birthday!  Eeeeeek!  So this is birthday week.  I love birthday week and what a better time than in the holidays when I can catch up with friends, have coffees, lunches etc.  The adjustments to the diet may need to wait until next week.  Hehe.

An early birthday present handmade from a friend.

Getting a bit of reading done instead of watching TV has been really enjoyable.  Although I am struggling to get into this particular book.  I go to a book club and this is the latest one.  I don't always enjoy their selections.

It's winter.  It's cold.  I love winter.  I love wearing layers, scarves, gloves, funky hats.  I am a hat wearer.  Oh how I love rugging up and being snuggly.

Please excuse my nearly 40 lines but this photo was taken unawares and I'm just keeping it real sistas!

Finally, I had a whirlwind visit from these two. 

Chris and Liz

They came down from Wellington for 48 hours, for a wedding. The most funny thing was, I saw the proposal. I think half the world has.  Well, maybe not that many, but a few thousand anyway.  The lucky bride is Chris's niece. 

It was so lovely to see them both.  Liz left me a card that said seeing me was 'like balm to the soul' and I couldn't have put it better myself.  Yay for good friends!

I hope you have all had a fabulous week.  See you again a bit sooner than normal! TPxx

Bullet Point Blog Post

Taking a leaf out of Jaksta's book and doing a bullet point.

It's been a while...always is when I am working. Holidays are great.

  • I am sick at the moment - laryngitis and croup. No talking allowed for 2 - 3 days. It has really brought to my attention how important being able to communicate is. A couple of interesting observations: When I lost my voice to a whisper, people would reply by whispering back. That was funny. Now with no voice, I am using pen and paper. I write notes to DH and I have to remind him that he can talk back instead of writing back - which is what he goes to do. Weird. I guess that we connect through speech and one way to connect is to reply in kind.

  • I was going to do a month of being grateful. I was going to do this in June. Hmmm. Might start in July now. Of course, I am grateful every day, but I just mean actually blogging every day about it.

  • Croup - just a note on that. It is awful and excruciatingly painful and scary. If you are a mum and you've never had croup and your kids get croup, give them lots of cuddles and love. It is truly frightening. The first night that I had gotten really bad, I was scared to go to sleep in case I stopped breathing. It feels like you have something stuck in your throat that you can't cough up. You don't want to cough because it jolly well hurts, and you can't get enough breath to do a decent cough anyway. Poor kiddies. I really don't wish this on anyone, let alone kiddies.

  • I bought a new camera - eeeeeeee! I have been looking for months and months, inspired by all the lovely bloggers at the Around the Table bloggers conference. All that click, click, clicking...I was in awe. It is such an art to take a really good photo. I have always loved and appreciated other people's shots and I have taken a few good ones in the past on my smartphone, so now I think it's time to up the ante. Sadly, since I bought the camera, it has been raining. Sigh. And for some reason, I am too scared to use it in case I get really dumb, nothing shots and start to feel despondent. Perfectionist much?

  • DH has had a change of heart and has asked me to take down the posts about Aspergers and our marriage. That's okay. He can change his mind. In a way, it is really his material. I am still going to do some posts on coping with Aspergers in a marriage but from a less personal point of view - more practical. I will still get DH to approve these before posting though. I haven't been posting at all recently about anything, let alone that. But we have been a bit on the dark side of Aspergers and marriage due to other stresses such as exams and infertility, so, 'nuf said.

  • I have been to a specialist, I have had some surgery (day only), and there are things happening, things are moving along. Boxes are being ticked off. We are fairly normal it would seem, except for my low progesterone in the second half of my cycle, which can be dealt with. Not sure what to feel about that. It is good to be normal but I am still left with questions that don't have answers. At the same time, I wish I was innocent and didn't know so much about fertility, infertility, miscarriage, ovulation, etc, etc. I have been shoved into a world I never wanted to be in. But who does?

  • I am sewing and loving it. I am making some beautiful cushion covers for a special friend and her gorgeous girls. It is lovely to be taking something I learned and repeat it with the knowledge I have gleaned from the first time. It is so much easier this time round, and the satisfaction is greater. I will share when I am done and they are in their new home.

To finish, here's a couple of pics from my new camera - just trying out that 'shallow depth of field' from inside while it rains on and on and on outside.


Chevron Show-Off

I did a fabulous Chevron Cushion workshop over 2 nights at The Make Cafe. I'm feeling a bit clever now!

My Laugh For the Week

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful matter how simple it is.

Worth 1 min 30 secs of your life. It brought much joy and many smiles to me and my colleagues this week. Enjoy.

Linking in with gorgeous Meghan.

Mother's Day Gifts for Me

Sunday.  One week till Mothers Day.  So unsure how I will feel.  My first baby keeps popping into my head.  Little Bean would be 2 months...I would be celebrating my first Mothers Day.  If LB was here, I probably would be so knackered I wouldn't care about Mothers Day!  Lord, may I never take anything for granted again!  I talk to DH about Mothers Day.  His Aspie answer is, "Why?  You're not a mother".   Ahhh, bless him...he knows not what he says.  I again explain the mother heart, how it unfolds as soon as that little life is conceived...that heart never stops beating again.  In the wee hours, I write a poem for my outlet of sorts for a grieving mother heart.

Monday.  So many posts on my support forum talking about Mothers Day...I hope I am acknowledged somehow...I hope someone notices my invisible too.

Wednesday.  One of my little girls comes up to me after school.  Wrapping her arms around my neck, she squeezes and then lets go.  She has the biggest, most gorgeous pools of chocolate brown you could ever stare into.  "Tania, I want to wish you a happy Mothers Day".  Breath catches, eyes blink...what to say, what to say...thank you, M.  that is a lovely thing to say.  How does she know?  My head whipsers.  But I know how God uses little people...thank you, Lord.  I know He has heard my heart.  That is enough for me.

Saturday.  DH makes plans to study the next day at uni.  My breath leaves me.  I was hoping for something to be special.  Again we discuss Mothers feelings about it...I miss my babies, especially my first...LB would be here by now.

Sunday morning.  Still awake at 1am.  I decide to listen to the song I chose that spoke to me of my baby, during my first miscarriage.  Make You Feel My Love by Adele.  Tears flow, nose runs, eyes's not pretty, people!  But my grieving mother heart needs this outlet.  I know it's not forever and the pain is easier to handle now.  I can stand again.

8am.  I decide I will be doing this day on my own.  There will be plenty of people around me today, but I will be alone.  I go to LB's rose bush, weed it, water it, touch the last few blooms of the season.  I crouch down and pray.  I pray for the emptiness to be filled, but not filled.  The emptiness is where my babies reside.  If it is filled, will I forget?  I pray to God, please, you know what to do, what I need, please take this hurt, but don't...Tears flow and I prepare for a hard day.

9am.  Breakfast and getting ready for church.  DH comes out puts a hand on my shoulder, "Happy Mothers Day, darling"  A precious gift from a heart that doesn't understand, but loves me enough to try.  That is enough for me.

10am.  Walking in through the church doors.  The pastors wife is waiting.  Enveloping me in her arms, she whispers, "Happy Mothers Day, Tania".  Eyes sting, breath halts.  That is enough for me.  Roses are given out to the Mum's in the room...the basket makes it's way to me...the holder says, "Take one".  I am a mum, I wear a rose.  That is enough for me.  Worship this morning does not bring me to tears as I thought it would.  My heart fills, hope rises, filled with joy, I sing, thankful for a God who is bigger than me, bigger than anything that has happened to me, I am taken out of myself.  I breathe.  That is enough for me.  A sermon on hope, entitled A Hope did he know?  An alter call.  I respond.  A prophetic word...hope renewal, fresh faith like I've never known before.  That is enough for me.

1pm.  Lunch, Texts and Facebook.  Many messages from gorgeous ladies, remembering me.  Heartfelt messages from ones that 'get it'.  A message from a beautiful lady, connected to me by a thin thread of acquaintances.  She tells me she stands in the gap for did she know?  That is enough for me. 

Today, as I sit and reflect on my incredible Mothers Day gifts, I marvel at how blessed I am.  I took each acknowledgement, each message, each hug, each smile, each word and thanked my amazing, HUGE God.  I am filled, I am lifted, I can breathe.  That is enough for me.

A Poem For International Beareaved Mother's Day

Sweet Dreams
I made a little home for you
But you couldn’t stay.
So I prayed a little home for you
To keep you nice and safe.

I put your little pictures
In little silver frames.
Each night I whisper “Sweet Dreams”
Even through the pain.

I bought a little dragon
He sits quietly in your room.
I planted a little rose bush
Light peach are its blooms.

I made a little owl
He is sitting on a chair.
I’d imagined you and I would sit
Cuddling closely there.

These things I do remind me
Of the ones who could have been
The ones that nearly were
The babes no-one has seen.

But I knew you were there
I felt you every day
I miss you both so much
More than words can say

One day I hope to have a babe
To hold close to my heart.
But I will never forget
The ones there from the start.

So sweet sweet dreams
My darlings; babies one and two
Be assured although you’re gone
Your Mama still loves you.


1. What is your next home improvement goal?

I have a fair few pieces of op-shopped furniture in need of a lick of paint. My only problem is the space to actually paint them. At the moment we really don't have a space for this but one day... 
2. If you could only read one book for the rest of your life, what would it be? No religious texts (ie Bible, Quran, Torah, etc, etc)...

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. SO many lessons that I need constant reminding of, this book is gold...elixir for the soul. 
3. What is on top of your refrigerator?

Our microwave, a whiteboard pen (to write messages to each other on the fridge) and a lot of dust!

4. What are your favorite or most used phone apps?

My Fitness Pal helps me keep track of food intake and energy output. Do It Tomorrow lets me write to do lists and then put them off till tomorrow!  Love it!

5. What's the one thing you hate most about your spouses job?

He gets so obsessed he stays up half the night and won't finish up until he's completed the task. I know this sounds admirable but when it's 3am...

Linking in with Mama M. 


A Lil' Inspiration

Totally inspired by all the crafty ladies at the Around the Table conference, I decided to try my hand at crochet.  Don't you just love youtube?  I looked up a couple of lessons and made my first hat. 
Pretty cosy
Then I got a book out from the library because I couldn't work out how to make granny squares and found out I'd been doing it all wrong - fingers and all!  The hat still looked pretty good I think and it only took me a few hours (I've been a bit obsessed).

In my goodie bag from Around the Table, I got this cute little piece of fabric.  It screamed, "do something with me!".  But what to do?  I'm not a quilter (yet), I'm not a sewer (yet) and I lacked inspiration.  So off I went to The Make Cafe.  I relaxed, drank Peppermint Tea and reveled in the soulful music, soaking it all up.  

The Make Cafe
 Eventually, I came up with a plan and hand-stitched my first cute little owl. 
Sweet Dreams
Spurred on by success, and a tendency towards OCD, I bought a couple of remnant fabric pieces and tried my hand at something a little more challenging. 
Cat purely decoration
Guess which one suffers from insomnia
I'm pretty stoked with my creations thanks to a lil' inspiration. 

Linking in with Sammy
 Show & Tell Thursday's

Thankful for the Gift of Giving

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful matter how simple it is.

I have recently discovered that when the chips are down the best thing I can do is give. Giving fills my tank in some way. Being able to give back makes me truly grateful for all that I have.

This week we had the pleasure of hanging out with my nephew, J. He is at a really enjoyable age and so enthusiastic about life. We love having him, it makes me see what we would be like as parents, and I like what I see. To see DH in that sort of Dad role just makes me love him more.

We headed out in the drizzle to the Botanical Gardens. Each holiday they put on a free activity for the kids. These holidays it was a Flora Discoverers scavenger hunt. We picked up a booklet and went on our adventure.

We discovered areas of the gardens we'd never seen before. J collected seeds for the seed collection scheme, drew plant life and he got a certificate at the end for all his efforts. We finished just as the torrential downpour started!

So grateful for the time I have to spend with that boy.
Linking in with Ms MNM's Meghan.

Being the Mama I Want to Be

WARNING: This post has all sorts of heavy heaviness going on!

So I have really been enjoying getting back into blogging...but I feel limited by what I can post about.  I try to keep things light and positive, I try to focus on the good but this is not my heart at present.  My heart has a massive ache, my soul is shouting, wanting to be heard, and I have yet to find a suitable outlet.  I don't want to be a downer, but I also want to be true to myself, and true to my world, and true to my babies.  How do I do that without bringing my fellow bloggers down big time?  I see so many sharing their hearts, and I long to do that too.  I'll share my heart anyway and see how it goes...

And I do stay positive most of the time, I do try and turn things for good and I know, ultimately, my God has it, He has all of it.  He has me in the palm of His hand and will turn all my sorrow into joy, exchanging beauty for ashes.  I know, I know, I know.  And I believe.

But sometimes, that worry creeps in, 'maybe motherhood is not for me, maybe it has passed me by?'.

I read all your posts about motherhood and I know I want that too.  I go to craft markets and fabric stores and find myself looking at all the displays for children's rooms, ooohing and aaahing and planning what I would choose if it was a girl...if it was a little boy...I drive past baby stores and think, 'one day I will go in there...'  There are newborn babies all around me and pregnant ladies everywhere I go...I watch wistfully and think of the day that will be me.

Lately I have been experiencing a lot of grief over friendships, feeling neglected and uncared for as they all go on with their lives, and of course they should.  The feeling I most identify with is wanting my loss to be acknowledged, wanting my grief to be understood and validated, my ache to be seen, a hug to be given, a hand on my arm...just the little things.

I am worried about Mother's Day.  How will I feel on the day?  Will anyone acknowledge that I am a Mum too?  Do they need to?  Do I need them to?  If my first baby had gone full term, I would be holding a 2 month old baby in my arms.  I would be seen as a Mum.  I believe I am a Mum but it is not seen.  If my second baby had kept growing, I would be 4 months by now.  We would be telling people and looking forward to an October baby.  I would be seen as a Mum, but it wasn't to be so.

These experiences have taught me so much, and I am grateful for that, I am grateful for the journey.  I am grateful that I can help support other grieving mums.  Recently I have been learning that when you are in need, giving is the best thing you can do.  I won't stop doing these things, but right now I do it with a heart that has a massive ache and a soul longing to be heard...

5QF First Timer

Trying out a new linky...It's called 5 Questions Friday (5QF).

If you want to join, head over to Mama M. and follow the instructions.

1. Who drives when your family is together, you or your spouse?
It depends who feels like it. If DH is tired or still getting dressed, I drive. If I want DH to take charge, or if DH wants to feel like the boss, he drives. If either of us is drinking, the other drives. Usually it's me doing the driving...But actually, I am a terrible, aggressive Christchurch driver so I don't know why DH takes his life in his hands as much as he does... 

2. Are you an introvert or extrovert?

Bit of both, dependent on what else is going on in my life at the time.  I love socialising, but if I am stressed, or tired, I really just need to be by myself.

3. Are you married to an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert definitely! DH's favourite place to be is in his study by matter who is around!

4. What's your favorite type of social media?

Facebook is my main one but I am getting more into blogging now instead. I don't really participate in many social networking sites...a bit too much for my small brain to handle.

5. What's your favorite way to "recharge"?

Watching a good movie, reading or taking a break away...And I may or may not watch trashy television just a little too much...

Tallpipi linking in with Mama M. 

Wellington Lovin'

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful matter how simple it is.

Sunday Wharf Markets
Amazing Colour
I absolutely LOVE Wellington and it's such a treat to be able to pop up for an adventure.

The mission: to meet up with a couple of the funniest and craziest ladies I had the pleasure of being friends with when living in Whangarei. Now all living apart, we got together in Wellington to do some of our favourite things.

♥Sunday wharf markets - so much fresh produce - a delight for all the senses.
♥Bordeaux Cafe - another delight for all the senses!
♥Porirua - art gallery.
♥Plimmerton - op shopping, cafes, & walks on the beach.
♥Petone - amazing ecclectic mix of boutique shops and a foodies heaven! I now have the most amazing smelling chipotle smoked chillies in my pantry. Can't wait to use them!
♥Te Papa - Nga Toi Section - TANTILISING for the eyes and mind.
♥Walks at Oriental Bay.
♥Martha's Pantry for a delightful tea party - such fun!
♥Giggles, in house jokes, and memory makers with two fantastic chics!

Tantilising sights at Bordeaux Cafe
So much choice!
My first go at crochet - at least it fits something!
How long do you think this blanket took to make?  At the Porirua Art Gallery.
Cool art idea - string art on the carpet.  At Te Papa Museum.
Tea toting at Martha's Pantry.
LOVE! Till we meet again Wellington...

Linking in with the lovely Meghan.

Things I Am Loving

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful matter how simple it is.

What a week! FINALLY the holidays are upon us. I have only just had a couple of weeks off due to the loss of my second pregnancy. But I couldn't have been more grateful than I was yesterday to finally shut the door on what has been a very long term. I celebrated after school by going out for a few drinkies with work mates where the theme of the afternoon was saying, "Woohoo!" and clinking glasses whenever anyone came back with a full glass (what mad woman would come up with that idea?). It was one way to really get everyone laughing and get that stress leaving! Then last night my wonderful husband planned a dinner out with a couple of friends. While I didn't want to leave the previous celebrations, I was grateful I did. We had such a great time.

Woohoo with a Woo Woo!
What else am I loving?
Our Farewell Party for 3 lovelies.  Bunting made by me - an ex-bunting-hater
Flowers for real and retro flowers on new fleecy jammies
Meeting up with these lovely ladies (some for the first time and others meeting again) - Pic courtesy of Paisley Jade
Rain for a desperate, dry garden.

The last blooms on my first baby's rose bush.
Creating beautiful spaces in my home (table undergoing re-modelling soon!)
Latest Trade Me finds.
So, so much to love! Linking in with the lovely Meghan.