Being the Mama I Want to Be

WARNING: This post has all sorts of heavy heaviness going on!

So I have really been enjoying getting back into blogging...but I feel limited by what I can post about.  I try to keep things light and positive, I try to focus on the good but this is not my heart at present.  My heart has a massive ache, my soul is shouting, wanting to be heard, and I have yet to find a suitable outlet.  I don't want to be a downer, but I also want to be true to myself, and true to my world, and true to my babies.  How do I do that without bringing my fellow bloggers down big time?  I see so many sharing their hearts, and I long to do that too.  I'll share my heart anyway and see how it goes...

And I do stay positive most of the time, I do try and turn things for good and I know, ultimately, my God has it, He has all of it.  He has me in the palm of His hand and will turn all my sorrow into joy, exchanging beauty for ashes.  I know, I know, I know.  And I believe.

But sometimes, that worry creeps in, 'maybe motherhood is not for me, maybe it has passed me by?'.

I read all your posts about motherhood and I know I want that too.  I go to craft markets and fabric stores and find myself looking at all the displays for children's rooms, ooohing and aaahing and planning what I would choose if it was a girl...if it was a little boy...I drive past baby stores and think, 'one day I will go in there...'  There are newborn babies all around me and pregnant ladies everywhere I go...I watch wistfully and think of the day that will be me.

Lately I have been experiencing a lot of grief over friendships, feeling neglected and uncared for as they all go on with their lives, and of course they should.  The feeling I most identify with is wanting my loss to be acknowledged, wanting my grief to be understood and validated, my ache to be seen, a hug to be given, a hand on my arm...just the little things.

I am worried about Mother's Day.  How will I feel on the day?  Will anyone acknowledge that I am a Mum too?  Do they need to?  Do I need them to?  If my first baby had gone full term, I would be holding a 2 month old baby in my arms.  I would be seen as a Mum.  I believe I am a Mum but it is not seen.  If my second baby had kept growing, I would be 4 months by now.  We would be telling people and looking forward to an October baby.  I would be seen as a Mum, but it wasn't to be so.

These experiences have taught me so much, and I am grateful for that, I am grateful for the journey.  I am grateful that I can help support other grieving mums.  Recently I have been learning that when you are in need, giving is the best thing you can do.  I won't stop doing these things, but right now I do it with a heart that has a massive ache and a soul longing to be heard...
11 Responses

  1. Max Says:

    You are a mum lovely, as much as any of us. I recognisise and remember what your feeling, and i hope with all my heart that the good fortune that eventually came to me comes to you too x

  2. Cat Says:

    ^i^ I fully understand where you are coming from
    Lots of Love

  3. Simoney Says:

    Oh Tanya, I have tears and goosebumps and I just want to put that hand on your shoulder, give you that box of "mummy" choccies on Sunday...
    You KNOW you are a mum. Your babies are playing in God's nursery instead of yours and that's a hard hard thing. Have you talked to hubby about this? Can you two plan a special day together on Mothers Day?
    As long as the two of you acknowledge it aye, then what other people do or don't do won't matter as much.

    I am so glad you met Sammy at bloggy conf; I knew Sammy before they were even "trying". I had to watch her struggle and grieve and at times it was too painful for her to be around us, with our kids.
    But take heart from her story; one way or another she became a mother and her tears are turned to joy and I totally believe that if God has put it in your heart to be a mum then it's for a PURPOSE. One way or another. Your heart will be full of joy one day. And as you share your journey here, being brave as you have done today, others on the same journey will find heart and hope and courage, just as they did with Sammy's other blog.
    Loads of love to you Tanya.
    (Flip now I;m blimmin crying)

  4. Sammy Says:

    YES! Share your story love, there's a whole lot of us here who want to hear. Want to be beside you as you celebrate the good and grieve for the hard parts.
    You are a Mum. End of story. END OF STORY! And like I told you I believe that you will be a Mum to other kiddies.

    Mother Day was the hardest day of the year for me. Eventually we could not go to church it hurt too much. So we did things for us on that day. We celebrated US.

    One thing I used to do as well each month when my red friend arrived and it was abundantly clear that I was not pregnant, I would make a faith purchase for my children. I would go INTO the baby stores and dare anyone to say that I did not belong and chose something for the kiddies. Eventually I had drawers full and it was so good at times to sit and go through all the clothes and books I have bought. It was so soothing and reminded me that others had the faith (like Simone) to see me through, even if I felt like crap myself and could not believe for me.

    Be nice to you honey. This is a big journey. But you are not alone xxxx Much love to you xxx

  5. Miriam Says:

    Tania - there are so many people who can relate to that ache of desire. I'm one who has had it very easy on this so I just want to say - I'm waving the flag for you and praying all goes well.

    On behalf of us all (even the ones who don't subscribe to the God factor) I want to give these words to you.
    Psalm 20
    1 May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
    may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
    2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
    and grant you support from Zion.
    3 May he remember all your sacrifices
    and accept your burnt offerings.
    4 May he give you the desire of your heart
    and make all your plans succeed.
    5 May we shout for joy over your victory
    and lift up our banners in the name of our God.
    May the Lord grant all your requests.

    Whenever things feel lonely and you feel like people don't get it come back to these comments and hear the prayers and cheering urging you on.
    Miriam xxxx

  6. Bless you, precious lovely lady. I pray you can continue (even in the hard times) to keep believing that our Father has a great and glorious plan for you. Thank you so much for sharing such an honest and heartfelt post with us all - and we stand united with you both in your grief and your hopes and prayers for the future xx

  7. Nin Says:

    I pray for you that one day you'll 'be the Mumma you want to be' (as in the title of your post, I'm not disagreeing with your ascertion that you are a Mum) and in the meantime - grief is a slippery eel sometimes and its hard to know what to do - I can identify with that confusion you express. However if helps to get it off your chest, then you'll find heaps of support (obviously!). Miscarriage and stillbirth aren't much talked about in out society, but if you scratch the surface you'll find all sorts of people have experienced this type of loss. Sometimes just having that knowledge helps a bit

  8. PaisleyJade Says:

    You are a precious Mum and I think it is so awesome that you have openly shared this - it's a beautiful and real post. I totally agree with the others - pamper yourself and make sure on mothers day you embrace who you are. Xoxo

  9. Weza Says:

    Love you Tan.xx

  10. Pepi B Says:

    Oh I so struggle with Mother's Day. Last year I should have been either holding a one week old or 5 months pregnant. My DW (bless her), ordered me a magazine subscription and gave me a card acknowledging it, although of course, we should've got one too, but I guess I was grieving more obviously than her. We also chose that day to plant two rose bushes outside our window for our two babies.
    This year might just be harder after our recent bout of trying and failing, plus my SIL and her 1 year old will be in attendance...then of course we have her 1st birthday the next weekend. I'm thinking about having a cake for the wife and I on our due date to mark one year and wondering if that's totally weird and if I should invite my parents (as I want our baby acknowledged too, not just the living grandchild)'s like no one mentions the missing child on all the important occasions, in case they upset us by reminding us or something? As if we would forget tht there should be two one years olds crawling around on those days?!