Tall Pipi

Hi all, so I've been away for a while.  I was busy with my new sideline business and full time working and then I found myself pregnant.  And then, well, I was sick and tired and lethargic and overwhelmed and adjusting.  Then, last week, things went very wrong and we lost the baby.  Posting on here is part of my healing.  I want to share my story.

I had some clues things maybe weren't right at 9 weeks - nausea subsided, breasts stopped being sore and huge, and I was feeling more energetic. I was worried, but decided to keep positive until I knew any different. People had also told me I was being paranoid and looking back, even if I had followed my instincts, it wouldn't have changed anything.

Anyway at 11 weeks, last Monday morning, I started spotting. I was alarmed and rang the midwife. I had to leave a message. Then I decided to stay calm, pray and just get on with my day. That afternoon, and then evening, I had more spotting, my midwife rang me back. She wasn't too worried and said to take the next day off, rest and see what happens. I was hopeful and positive. In the morning, more spotting and I felt like I was getting my period. I rang the midwife and she booked me in for a scan.

At the scan, we were feeling really nervous but still a glimmer of hope remained. After a tummy scan, we could only see a pregnancy sac and I was praised for my full bladder, however, it was getting in the way of my uterus. I had to empty my bladder and then have an internal scan. Straight away we saw the baby. I'll never forget that moment. It was a complete surge of love, mixed with the certainty that our sweet little bean wasn't moving. Such a strange, wonderful and tragic feeling. I was filled with love for this tiny thing even though I knew I would never get to meet them, to hug them, to call them by name. After a few measurements, the radiologist asked us if we were sure of our dates. We were and she said the baby measured 8+5 weeks. She turned on the colour to see any small movements. Nothing but black and white. I said, "Oh I can't see a heart beat". I couldn't believe how calm I sounded. She said, "I'm sorry, I can't either". She left to get a doctor to confirm.

I lay on the bed and burst into tears. I sobbed with Kev by my side, holding my arm. The doctor came in and confirmed everything. He was professional and very routine. I wiped my tears and nodded. After calling my midwife, the doctor said we were to go home and she would take care of the rest and call me. They were great at the radiology clinic. They let us stay in the room as long as we needed and then when we were ready, they said we could go straight out and they would sort everything at the desk for me. (I had my 12 week scan booked for the next week and obviously wouldn't need it anymore).

It has been a long, very drawn out process involving horrible decisions, lots of tears, pain, questions and such an empty feeling. Kev and my midwife have been amazingly supportive. I thought my midwife would be off as soon as there was no live baby but she has been there for me throughout.

Tomorrow, I go into hospital for medical management. Even though I know it's painful and drawn out, I couldn't do a D&C. I didn't want to risk any damage to my uterus for future pregnancies (this was my first baby and I know the risks are small but I couldn't take any more chances). I don't know where I am at anymore. I just feel empty and sad and nothing - all quite normal, I know.  And I will be okay.

If you are the praying kind, please pray that tomorrow goes well and is successful so I can have some closure, and say goodbye properly.  Sweet dreams Little Bean.