Tall Pipi

I'm not very skilled at taking selfie bump pics, but here I am at 16 weeks.  At least it made me clean the mirror!

This was taken for my friend Weza (whom most of you in blogland will know).  I was trying to figure out if this was baby or flab.  She says baby.  I'm still on the fence.  BUT, I have only put on 300grams in this whole pregnancy, so I am thinking possibly not flab.  Morning sickness put paid to any weight gain.  Although I never threw up, I was a very fussy/picky eater, never being able to decide what to eat.

This week baby's bones are hardening.  I am craving yoghurt, cheese, cheese and cheese, spinach, fish, and eggs.  Aren't bodies just magical things the way they just know what to do?

I am very aware of a transition taking place.  I am totally struggling with it in some ways, and embracing it in other ways.  In the first trimester, my motivation was totally lacking.  Feeling sick and tired all the time will do that to a girl!  Often, meals were easy and not always the best nutrition, housework was left, clothes remained unfolded in piles around the house, bed was unmade, dirty clothes in corners awaiting the washing machine.  Hubby took on more around the house but with his final exams coming up, a lot of things were left undone.  Work took a dive for me.  I did the basics and no more.  I feel like I really failed in my leadership roles, as I had less focus and drive than I used to.  And I just felt, well, sort of uninterested.  Where had my ambition gone?

Now in the second trimester, I have a bit more energy, although still needing naps, and yet, my priorities have changed.  I still lack ambition and professional drive, but find myself wanting to get unfinished projects done around the house.  Sewing, knitting, making, creating, and painting all those pieces of furniture I have been meaning to revamp, seem to be in my immediate thoughts.  And I will do them.  This week.

I can only surmise that something chemical is going on in my brain.  My priorities have changed, the things I used to value have taken a back seat and I feel like everything has been put into slow motion.  I keep thinking it will change back to 'normal' soon, but as I continue in this pregnancy, I start to wonder if there is a new 'normal' being shaped.  One that includes room for a baby.  So maybe this is all a good thing.

You know what I mean?

Well, that's what it feels like. But I must say, I am not sure I am completely out of the fog yet. So much has been happening over the last few months. I have been absent for a very good reason. I have been making one of these:

No it's not an alien, or a shriveled up jelly bean! Here is a more traditional pic:

For those of you who know my history, I had to take some time out during my first trimester to concentrate on being positive and not going crazy! I have been sick, tired, bloated, tired, teary, tired, scared, tired, in awe, and did I mention tired? Although, I wouldn't have traded any of it for the world!

Now, in my second trimester, currently growing my baby's ear bones, I have a little more energy, I'm not always sick, and I find myself having room in my foggy brain for something other than getting through the first trimester.

So, hello to you all in blogland again! I will be in touch again very soon, but for now, my battery is about to die. Speak soon. Ta ta!

The weeks have zoomed by and I find it really hard to keep up the blogging bizzo during term time, so, be prepared for a deluge over the next couple of weeks!

In the name of fertility and trying to help my body keep hold of a little growing bean, I am making a few adjustments to my diet.  I saw a naturopath specialising in fertility and she has given me some things to help my body prepare a healthy lining.  She also suggested I look into cutting out grains from my diet, and directed me to this fabulous website - The Petite Kitchen.  Today I have tried these yummy little morsels. 

Prune, chocolate and pistachio truffles.

And they really are quite delicious.  Go here for the recipe.  I did find I had to add another 1/4 Cup of prunes to make everything combine.  I can't wait to try some of the other yummy things on there.

I am hoping to get a bit of R&R over the break, but not before this weekend, when I will be celebrating my 40th birthday!  Eeeeeek!  So this is birthday week.  I love birthday week and what a better time than in the holidays when I can catch up with friends, have coffees, lunches etc.  The adjustments to the diet may need to wait until next week.  Hehe.

An early birthday present handmade from a friend.

Getting a bit of reading done instead of watching TV has been really enjoyable.  Although I am struggling to get into this particular book.  I go to a book club and this is the latest one.  I don't always enjoy their selections.



It's winter.  It's cold.  I love winter.  I love wearing layers, scarves, gloves, funky hats.  I am a hat wearer.  Oh how I love rugging up and being snuggly.

Please excuse my nearly 40 lines but this photo was taken unawares and I'm just keeping it real sistas!

Finally, I had a whirlwind visit from these two. 

Chris and Liz

They came down from Wellington for 48 hours, for a wedding. The most funny thing was, I saw the proposal. I think half the world has.  Well, maybe not that many, but a few thousand anyway.  The lucky bride is Chris's niece. 


It was so lovely to see them both.  Liz left me a card that said seeing me was 'like balm to the soul' and I couldn't have put it better myself.  Yay for good friends!

I hope you have all had a fabulous week.  See you again a bit sooner than normal! TPxx

Taking a leaf out of Jaksta's book and doing a bullet point.

It's been a while...always is when I am working. Holidays are great.

• I am sick at the moment - laryngitis and croup. No talking allowed for 2 - 3 days. It has really brought to my attention how important being able to communicate is. A couple of interesting observations: When I lost my voice to a whisper, people would reply by whispering back. That was funny. Now with no voice, I am using pen and paper. I write notes to DH and I have to remind him that he can talk back instead of writing back - which is what he goes to do. Weird. I guess that we connect through speech and one way to connect is to reply in kind.

• I was going to do a month of being grateful. I was going to do this in June. Hmmm. Might start in July now. Of course, I am grateful every day, but I just mean actually blogging every day about it.

• Croup - just a note on that. It is awful and excruciatingly painful and scary. If you are a mum and you've never had croup and your kids get croup, give them lots of cuddles and love. It is truly frightening. The first night that I had gotten really bad, I was scared to go to sleep in case I stopped breathing. It feels like you have something stuck in your throat that you can't cough up. You don't want to cough because it jolly well hurts, and you can't get enough breath to do a decent cough anyway. Poor kiddies. I really don't wish this on anyone, let alone kiddies.

• I bought a new camera - eeeeeeee! I have been looking for months and months, inspired by all the lovely bloggers at the Around the Table bloggers conference. All that click, click, clicking...I was in awe. It is such an art to take a really good photo. I have always loved and appreciated other people's shots and I have taken a few good ones in the past on my smartphone, so now I think it's time to up the ante. Sadly, since I bought the camera, it has been raining. Sigh. And for some reason, I am too scared to use it in case I get really dumb, nothing shots and start to feel despondent. Perfectionist much?

• DH has had a change of heart and has asked me to take down the posts about Aspergers and our marriage. That's okay. He can change his mind. In a way, it is really his material. I am still going to do some posts on coping with Aspergers in a marriage but from a less personal point of view - more practical. I will still get DH to approve these before posting though. I haven't been posting at all recently about anything, let alone that. But we have been a bit on the dark side of Aspergers and marriage due to other stresses such as exams and infertility, so, 'nuf said.

• I have been to a specialist, I have had some surgery (day only), and there are things happening, things are moving along. Boxes are being ticked off. We are fairly normal it would seem, except for my low progesterone in the second half of my cycle, which can be dealt with. Not sure what to feel about that. It is good to be normal but I am still left with questions that don't have answers. At the same time, I wish I was innocent and didn't know so much about fertility, infertility, miscarriage, ovulation, etc, etc. I have been shoved into a world I never wanted to be in. But who does?

• I am sewing and loving it. I am making some beautiful cushion covers for a special friend and her gorgeous girls. It is lovely to be taking something I learned and repeat it with the knowledge I have gleaned from the first time. It is so much easier this time round, and the satisfaction is greater. I will share when I am done and they are in their new home.

To finish, here's a couple of pics from my new camera - just trying out that 'shallow depth of field' from inside while it rains on and on and on outside.

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what is happening in your life, there is always something you can be thankful for..no matter how simple it is.

Worth 1 min 30 secs of your life. It brought much joy and many smiles to me and my colleagues this week. Enjoy.



Linking in with gorgeous Meghan.

Sunday.  One week till Mothers Day.  So unsure how I will feel.  My first baby keeps popping into my head.  Little Bean would be 2 months...I would be celebrating my first Mothers Day.  If LB was here, I probably would be so knackered I wouldn't care about Mothers Day!  Lord, may I never take anything for granted again!  I talk to DH about Mothers Day.  His Aspie answer is, "Why?  You're not a mother".   Ahhh, bless him...he knows not what he says.  I again explain the mother heart, how it unfolds as soon as that little life is conceived...that heart never stops beating again.  In the wee hours, I write a poem for my babies...an outlet of sorts for a grieving mother heart.

Monday.  So many posts on my support forum talking about Mothers Day...I hope I am acknowledged somehow...I hope someone notices my invisible motherhood...me too.

Wednesday.  One of my little girls comes up to me after school.  Wrapping her arms around my neck, she squeezes and then lets go.  She has the biggest, most gorgeous pools of chocolate brown you could ever stare into.  "Tania, I want to wish you a happy Mothers Day".  Breath catches, eyes blink...what to say, what to say...thank you, M.  that is a lovely thing to say.  How does she know?  My head whipsers.  But I know how God uses little people...thank you, Lord.  I know He has heard my heart.  That is enough for me.

Saturday.  DH makes plans to study the next day at uni.  My breath leaves me.  I was hoping for something to be special.  Again we discuss Mothers Day...my feelings about it...I miss my babies, especially my first...LB would be here by now.

Sunday morning.  Still awake at 1am.  I decide to listen to the song I chose that spoke to me of my baby, during my first miscarriage.  Make You Feel My Love by Adele.  Tears flow, nose runs, eyes swell...it's not pretty, people!  But my grieving mother heart needs this outlet.  I know it's not forever and the pain is easier to handle now.  I can stand again.

8am.  I decide I will be doing this day on my own.  There will be plenty of people around me today, but I will be alone.  I go to LB's rose bush, weed it, water it, touch the last few blooms of the season.  I crouch down and pray.  I pray for the emptiness to be filled, but not filled.  The emptiness is where my babies reside.  If it is filled, will I forget?  I pray to God, please, you know what to do, what I need, please take this hurt, but don't...Tears flow and I prepare for a hard day.

9am.  Breakfast and getting ready for church.  DH comes out puts a hand on my shoulder, "Happy Mothers Day, darling"  A precious gift from a heart that doesn't understand, but loves me enough to try.  That is enough for me.

10am.  Walking in through the church doors.  The pastors wife is waiting.  Enveloping me in her arms, she whispers, "Happy Mothers Day, Tania".  Eyes sting, breath halts.  That is enough for me.  Roses are given out to the Mum's in the room...the basket makes it's way to me...the holder says, "Take one".  I am a mum, I wear a rose.  That is enough for me.  Worship this morning does not bring me to tears as I thought it would.  My heart fills, hope rises, filled with joy, I sing, thankful for a God who is bigger than me, bigger than anything that has happened to me, I am taken out of myself.  I breathe.  That is enough for me.  A sermon on hope, entitled A Hope Transplant...how did he know?  An alter call.  I respond.  A prophetic word...hope renewal, fresh faith like I've never known before.  That is enough for me.

1pm.  Lunch, Texts and Facebook.  Many messages from gorgeous ladies, remembering me.  Heartfelt messages from ones that 'get it'.  A message from a beautiful lady, connected to me by a thin thread of acquaintances.  She tells me she stands in the gap for me...how did she know?  That is enough for me. 

Today, as I sit and reflect on my incredible Mothers Day gifts, I marvel at how blessed I am.  I took each acknowledgement, each message, each hug, each smile, each word and thanked my amazing, HUGE God.  I am filled, I am lifted, I can breathe.  That is enough for me.