Mother's Day Gifts for Me

Sunday.  One week till Mothers Day.  So unsure how I will feel.  My first baby keeps popping into my head.  Little Bean would be 2 months...I would be celebrating my first Mothers Day.  If LB was here, I probably would be so knackered I wouldn't care about Mothers Day!  Lord, may I never take anything for granted again!  I talk to DH about Mothers Day.  His Aspie answer is, "Why?  You're not a mother".   Ahhh, bless him...he knows not what he says.  I again explain the mother heart, how it unfolds as soon as that little life is conceived...that heart never stops beating again.  In the wee hours, I write a poem for my babies...an outlet of sorts for a grieving mother heart.

Monday.  So many posts on my support forum talking about Mothers Day...I hope I am acknowledged somehow...I hope someone notices my invisible motherhood...me too.

Wednesday.  One of my little girls comes up to me after school.  Wrapping her arms around my neck, she squeezes and then lets go.  She has the biggest, most gorgeous pools of chocolate brown you could ever stare into.  "Tania, I want to wish you a happy Mothers Day".  Breath catches, eyes blink...what to say, what to say...thank you, M.  that is a lovely thing to say.  How does she know?  My head whipsers.  But I know how God uses little people...thank you, Lord.  I know He has heard my heart.  That is enough for me.

Saturday.  DH makes plans to study the next day at uni.  My breath leaves me.  I was hoping for something to be special.  Again we discuss Mothers Day...my feelings about it...I miss my babies, especially my first...LB would be here by now.

Sunday morning.  Still awake at 1am.  I decide to listen to the song I chose that spoke to me of my baby, during my first miscarriage.  Make You Feel My Love by Adele.  Tears flow, nose runs, eyes swell...it's not pretty, people!  But my grieving mother heart needs this outlet.  I know it's not forever and the pain is easier to handle now.  I can stand again.

8am.  I decide I will be doing this day on my own.  There will be plenty of people around me today, but I will be alone.  I go to LB's rose bush, weed it, water it, touch the last few blooms of the season.  I crouch down and pray.  I pray for the emptiness to be filled, but not filled.  The emptiness is where my babies reside.  If it is filled, will I forget?  I pray to God, please, you know what to do, what I need, please take this hurt, but don't...Tears flow and I prepare for a hard day.

9am.  Breakfast and getting ready for church.  DH comes out puts a hand on my shoulder, "Happy Mothers Day, darling"  A precious gift from a heart that doesn't understand, but loves me enough to try.  That is enough for me.

10am.  Walking in through the church doors.  The pastors wife is waiting.  Enveloping me in her arms, she whispers, "Happy Mothers Day, Tania".  Eyes sting, breath halts.  That is enough for me.  Roses are given out to the Mum's in the room...the basket makes it's way to me...the holder says, "Take one".  I am a mum, I wear a rose.  That is enough for me.  Worship this morning does not bring me to tears as I thought it would.  My heart fills, hope rises, filled with joy, I sing, thankful for a God who is bigger than me, bigger than anything that has happened to me, I am taken out of myself.  I breathe.  That is enough for me.  A sermon on hope, entitled A Hope Transplant...how did he know?  An alter call.  I respond.  A prophetic word...hope renewal, fresh faith like I've never known before.  That is enough for me.

1pm.  Lunch, Texts and Facebook.  Many messages from gorgeous ladies, remembering me.  Heartfelt messages from ones that 'get it'.  A message from a beautiful lady, connected to me by a thin thread of acquaintances.  She tells me she stands in the gap for me...how did she know?  That is enough for me. 

Today, as I sit and reflect on my incredible Mothers Day gifts, I marvel at how blessed I am.  I took each acknowledgement, each message, each hug, each smile, each word and thanked my amazing, HUGE God.  I am filled, I am lifted, I can breathe.  That is enough for me.

5 Responses
  1. Widge Says:

    So I'm a blubbering mess right now reading through your beautiful words Tania. Just want you to know that you are the first person I thought of when I woke yesterday morning. God gives me this stalkerish heart for a reason I believe. Praying for ya. So glad you were blessed yesterday xoxo


  2. jacksta Says:

    (((((♥)))))))


  3. Simoney Says:

    WOW. That is so so beautiful Tania. Words are not enough.
    THANKYOU for sharing this. You put it beautifully... and such a song of Hope came shining through.
    WOW.


  4. jane Says:

    my dear friend - I am a blubberin mess like Widge... this sharing of the love and the truth of being a mother in the many shapes that it comes in, the love for those babies who didn't make it earthside is the path of many of us... thank you for this beautiful glimpse into the way that your family honours it <3


  5. Sammy Says:

    Hope your day was ok, sweets xxxx